Depression Over Appearance - Personal Experience

Today I'm going to write about something that everyone has felt at one point...feeling down about your appearance. Maybe fewer people feel these emotions to the point of depression, but to whatever extent you have felt it, you know that you're never in a pleasant or comfortable state of mind when you do. And that you must find strength within yourself to overcome them and accomplish the change you seek.

***Before you go any further, proceed at your own risk with the rest of this post. The following content may be psychologically upsetting.***

This is actually one of the primary reasons that I am finally persisting with changing my appearance. For years, I have been depressed and extremely unhappy with my looks, especially the size and spacing of my eyes. The depression I had felt over this issue had gotten to the point of experiencing complete darkness and despair on what was sometimes a daily basis. There were many days where I walked around feeling as if inside of me there was a black hole, an abyss of heart-wrenching sadness over how I looked. It was a true and deep desire of my spirit to look beautiful. I would try to explain my concerns and feelings to family and friends, but no one could quite comprehend or understand the pain and torture I felt every day. They thought I was exaggerating or simply depressed and would reassure me that I had nothing to worry about. But I don't think they realized the misery I felt every day, doing mundane activities such as looking in the mirror and wanting crying as if someone had died. They didn't understand the severe dread I felt about taking photos or viewing pictures of myself, literally feeling nauseous or as if I was being stabbed from the inside. I hated my appearance, and it was a fatal parasite to my life.

After seeing numerous therapists and psychiatrists to "fix" my "problem", I had been officially diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) in 2011. I had been undergoing weekly therapy and was put on antidepressants. I was supposed to have been making progress in how I looked, but often I felt as if I was getting worse. My depression increased in severity and frequency, and I even had to go to the hospital at one point. Every resource I had consulted about body dysmorphic disorder informed me that the problem was psychological, not physical. That sufferers of this condition had a distorted view of their appearance, sometimes delusional. That the condition is highly treatable by antidepressants and various forms of therapy.

However, deep down inside knew that I didn't have a psychological problem. I wasn't seeing things strangely, my perspective about how I looked wasn't off. The medication and the therapy wasn't helping me as it should have. I was still feeling down because there was a missing piece of the puzzle. I still knew inside that I was right about my appearance and how it is perceived. From a completely objective perspective, I wasn't seeing myself any differently than people on the streets. People saw my face, my features, the same way I did. On the internet, people commented on the same flaws I saw within myself that I did. These comments came from complete strangers, which was really refreshing because the people I knew would not tell me the truth. My gut feeling about my appearance and how others perceive me was confirmed.

Furthermore, I knew, just from being out in the world and interacting with people, that my appearance wasn't widely seen as "beautiful." I didn't attract much male attention, people didn't glance at me on the street, and my peers rarely commented on my appearance like they would with truly beautiful individuals. I wasn't noticed the same way some of my beautiful friends were. I knew that I didn't look like the women who are considered physically beautiful by the majority of people. They have certain proportions and features in their faces that mine was missing. No one could tell me otherwise, or convince me that I was also physically "beautiful" - I had objective evidence on my side.

Anyway, let's fast forward to the present, when I decided to change my physical appearance for sure. The decision has come at a large turning point in my life - I traveled to a different country alone and will soon be living here. I love this country, I love life and the beauty that surrounds me here. I have been learning this country's language and about its culture for years. This is the place that I have always wanted to live. I have had to rely on myself here, and in the process of doing so, I developed a new confidence and self-assurance.

I was inspired to take control of my life by a dear friend who lives here. Because she was raised in a society that is less reliant on psychiatric medication and is less obsessed about psychological issues, where far fewer people are reliant on pills and therapy, she opened my eyes to the fact that there is nothing wrong with me. I have created the problem in my head and it has been further propelled by constantly being reminded by family, doctors, therapists, and other friends. She, however, reminded me that this is my life, and it's up to me to choose who I am going to be and what I will do. I am the one who decides for myself, not my family, friends, doctor, therapist, or anyone else. I am in control of my destiny and I am capable of making my dreams come true.

The decision to take control of my life is what propelled me to go through the process of finding a way to stay legally in this country, as well as using my mind to change my appearance. I knew (and still know) that I wouldn't be truly happy with accepting my appearance as it is right now. The situation can be equated to changing an aspect of one's character - for instance, if there is something about who you are that you do not like and it is interfering with your life and relations, would you rather accept it as it is or do something to change it? Now, that's a personal decision, just as the decision to change your appearance is too. I know that society (at least where I was raised) encourages people to accept themselves as they are, and acceptance can certainly be useful and beneficial in some situations. For me though, I know deep inside that my concerns over my appearance aren't something I can accept and feel content about. It's something that I have no choice but to change.

I assume that many of you have been through the same inner struggle too. And no, contrary to what many may think, the decision to change your appearance doesn't make you morally vapid or "superficial". If there is something about your appearance that you truly despise and it is taking away from the quality of your life, than it is completely understandable that you would want to change it. After all, how much would you hesitate about changing anything else that was getting in your way of living to the fullest - like where you live, who you spend your time with, your habits, etc.

You are not weak, you are not vain attention seeker, and you are not a bad person. You will rise above these feelings and conquer what is holding you back from achieving.

Remember the famous words of Julius Caesar - Veni, vidi, vici. (I came, I saw, I conquered.)

Wishing you all the best of luck with overcoming your inner struggles and accomplishing change,

BB